Mmmm...
The problem with not blogging frequently and periodically is that i will come to a point when i have too much to say then I am sian to organise my thoughts so i postpone posting then i will accumulate more things to say then even more sian to post and then postpone again......... viscious cycle. gah. >__<
if i were to plot a mood against time graph for each day from sunday to today, i would get a sine graph: my mood is really in simple harmonic motion. bottom-low on sun, den equilibrium, den peak, den equilibrium, den bottom-low today again.
The allusion to SHM implies, yes, that i'm officially back to teaching physics. "(insert wide eyes) Why are you back???" went many teachers and my own students. cuz i cant bear to leave! nah, didn't say tt of course. i'm not the type who could bring myself to express my feelings outright anyway... The best i could do to convey how super
pleased i was to see all my students ard the sch is a extra-cheery "HELLO!" and a wider-than-usual SMILE. well... it seems like there's an automatic filter (likened to a spam-filter) in me which blocks that channel of communication through direct spoken words. does it matter? for now, i am enjoying an abundance of cheery hellos and SWEET smiles anyway! :D
I love to work. is it scary if i think that work can be a purpose of life? i dun mean for the money la... neither do i mean work
itself is my purpose in life! To be entrusted with a responsibilty, to interact with ppl in some ways and to build relationships during ur work: isn't work a meaningful commitment in life? i was so down on sunday becuz i was doing nothing! i felt sluggish, i had nothing to do, i couldn't bring myself to find sth to do... so i sat ard, stoned, thought of meaningless stuff, troubling stuff, frustrating stuff, stuff i couldn't think of an ans etc etc... then the thinking tired me out and sent me to an afternoon nap, even though i woke up at 12 tt day?! dun u tink it's disgusting? i was totally disgusted with myself. i knew i was disgusting to waste my time away, yet i didn't do anything abt it so i became even more disgusted with myself..... hated myself, felt suicidal, felt i had no purpose in life... when i started work on tue, i felt different already! purely a coincidence? i doubt so...
but maybe, i hardly know the definitition of "work" (except the scientific one :P) given that this was the only job i had since i graduated... maybe the normal working life (teacher is not normal meh?) is more meaningless and frustrating and boring... well, at least that's sth to do still? and it really depends on how u regard your "boring" job right? what do you think of working at the US embassy filing visas? The caucasian guy who interviewed me behind a glass pane joked with me, tested me on chemistry to ascertain i was "the right person to send to US for studies" (Na+Cl-->?, Ba+Na2-->??), and even dropped a line of encouragement "study hard!" before i turned to go. It could have been such a mudane job, repeating the same procedures of interview, having fleeting interation with every applicant, but he spiced up his own working life and in turn made my day (after a horrible horrible "adventure" at the embassy). It's not that hard yeah?
Ok, going back to the horrible adventure at the embassy.... haiz. it all began from one mistake of reaching late, then led to a BIG mistake and that's it man: i was sent into disarrays and everything went wrong. i've sinned. i've done sth i totally hated other people doing unknowingly. so i hated myself. yet when i realised i did it, i did nothing to revert my action. so i hated myself even more. the guilt, coupled with fatigue, turned me into a lost wandering soul in us embassy. i was horrible. i felt horrible. hating others for doing sth is one thing, when u yourself did that very thing, it's twice the hate and disgust! my principles, compromised. ahhhhh.......
ok, whining aside. i just realised that the US embassy visa office is such an interesting place! it's like a bank with many counters (which resemble money changer's counters) and a waiting area with seats. as i sat down, facing the row of counters, it's not hard to overhear ppl in their interviews (since they are all rasing their voice for fear the sound cant pass thru the glass, i think). One getting Phd, one going for studies but planning to go back to china, one studying in chicago and looking forward to job opportunities there, one going to meet her husband..... everyone wants to go to the same country but with different purposes, different plans, and every day, hundreds gather in this
small room telling a stranger their plans and aspirations and waiting (for that visa) for their new chapter in life to unfold... do those officers realise how much their work mean to us? maybe the guy who interviewed me does...? :)
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9:34 PM
